Angry. Sad. Drowning. Confused. Embarrassed. Wishful. Crumbling.
The Universe is seriously testing me lately. I feel like I keep getting to this same point in time where I just can’t handle life anymore. Things are being thrown at me in all directions, and I just don’t think I’m doing the best job juggling it all – which seriously hurts my confidence because I pride myself on being able “to deal.”
Tonight, one thing led to another, and everything that’s been bottled up just exploded. I tried so hard “to deal” again tonight – to just sleep off the frustrating anger, the crippling sadness, the unbearable feeling of drowning, the constant confusion, the cringe-worthy embarrassment, the wishful thinking that circumstances could be different – that I could be different, and the crumbling feeling that makes me feel like I’m breaking apart.
I try “to deal” because I know I’m not alone. I don’t believe that there is a single soul out there who hasn’t felt what I’m feeling. I know for a fact that there are also plenty who have also had it so much worse than me. Nevertheless, I just couldn’t deal tonight. Tonight…was just a little too much.
Everyone keeps saying how inspirational I am – how strong and put-together I am. Little do they know I’m struggling so much more than they could ever imagine. So many put me on a pedestal that I wish so much I wasn’t being put on, because at the end of the day, I know how “human” I am. Literally, I am just like everyone else. I am no better, no worse, no cooler, no smarter, no nicer than anyone else. I am just a girl who’s trying to find herself and her place in the world like everyone else.
But, despite the fact that I hate being put on this pedestal because of how ostracized it makes me feel, I can’t completely bring myself to break down my walls to show all my raw and vulnerable sides. It makes me so uncomfortable to show people how “human” I am sometimes. I’m not completely sure why, but I think it may be because of the façade I’ve been keeping up for so long. It takes a lot of work, mentally, physically, and emotionally, to keep up the strong front, but honestly, I think it takes so much more out of me to let the front down and to let the raw and vulnerable be bared to the world.
This was definitely an emotional rant with no pre-planned goal or point to be made, and I’m slightly worried that it’s not the most eloquent or entertaining post out there. So, let me end this post with a more positive twist. Like I said before, we’ve all been there – when things just get a little too much – right? Well, like Shawn Mendes says in his song, A Little Too Much, “Sometimes it all gets a little too much, but you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up, and you don’t have to be afraid, because we’re all the same, and we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much.” We know now that we’re not alone when it comes to these dark moments, but what’s really cool is realizing that there is always a brighter moment waiting for us after a dark one. Our lives aren’t pre-written novels; each day is a new page – each phase of our lives a new chapter. If we’re not satisfied with a circumstance, we have the ability to rewrite – to re-imagine, re-define, and re-create. I am a firm believer in all of us having more power and control than we all think we do. I know our “fog” will clear and that we’ll find our sunshine soon. Let’s make a promise to positively look forward to all that is still yet to be written in our book of life – no matter how raw or vulnerable, no matter how much it may be to deal with. The year 2017 has only just begun, let’s pick ourselves up and slay with all we’ve got!